The scent of sulfur is strong
The matches are gone
And I’m watching bad books burning

The horizon swells with the heat of the setting sun
A man’s been thinking too much
About a loss that’s more like a dream
Than something that’s happened to him

Something happened to him

As he watched that horizon swallow so much light
One thing comforted the man
He knew, underneath that distant line in the sky
The light still shone bright
Even though it left him in the dark
One day, he’ll turn his back on that blackness in the sky
And see a new light and a new horizon

7-28-09

Fuck the road, there’s no path for this
I need to find my way
As it is now, the roads on which I walk
Speak in tongues of places I’ll never see, and colors that don’t exist
And the passersby won’t ever look my way

So I veer off course, leaving footprints as I pass
Making my way through shadows and fog
I want to make “the road less traveled” an understatement
And turn myself into more than just these words on a page
A destination is the last thing I want to find

                                       May 13, 2011 / July 14, 2010
                 You can’t tell by the look of things, but a lot happens in a year.

For all my insecurities, for all my fears, one thing I refuse to be afraid of is change. Change drives all things; there can be no progress, no future, without change. In the same respect, I despise (even fear) complacency. I thrive on change and am constantly trying to challenge myself. Life is full of unforeseen changes, unwanted challenges, mind-blowing ups, and unforgiving, un-fucking-bearable downs. And with each of those situations comes a learning experience, an opportunity to better oneself.

Just over a year ago, I was living rent-free, working an easy job that provided me with quite a bit of discretionary income, and was surrounded by friends. Sounds ideal, doesn’t it? Yes, I was satisfied with the way things were going and didn’t really have much to complain about, but something was missing. I found myself feeling unsatisfied. Unhappy even. I realized that the way I was feeling was complacent. I was comfortable, but not truly happy. I needed a change. I needed a challenge. I decided to leave everything I knew and sought an opportunity to challenge myself in order to learn and grow as a person.

It worked. For the next year I found myself being constantly challenged. I began a life that changed on a near daily basis and doesn’t seem to be slowing down. Yes, I sometimes miss the quiet comfortability that my previous life provided, but the things I’ve learned and the person I’ve become are worth every bad day I’ve had and I wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t always get things right from the outset, and I don’t always know what to do in every situation - I make mistakes. But I make sure I learn everything I can from every experience I go through. So, I’ll continue to try, continue to change, continue to challenge myself, continue to fail, but most importantly, continue to learn.

Green, the grass will grow
Black, the life will fade
Bright, the sun will rise
and the light that shines is all you know

Red, the life you made
Gold, the hope for change
Gray, the space between
and when the light goes out, where do you go?

White, the peace within
Blue, the thought of you
Dark, the missing piece
and the colors that collide are everything

Sometimes we think we have it bad. We think we’ve been handpicked to suffer. We think things couldn’t get any worse than they are now. Sure, in hindsight this may be mostly hyperbole, but it doesn’t change the way we feel at the time. We’ve all been there. The times when you’re forced to confront your fears. Face your demons. When loneliness consumes you, a lover breaks your heart, a loved one dies. When you find yourself legitimately lost and contemplation becomes a permanent state of mind. Yes, I lost my mother at a young age; yes, I’ve had my heart broken; yes, I’ve suffered a debilitating and life-long injury; and yes, I now find myself trying to find myself in a new state with no family and few friends. And yes, you’ve probably been through worse. However, we’re lucky. We’ve had it easy compared to some.

There are countless examples I could use here. I come across tragedies and emotional stories on a near daily basis in my line of work. I’m a health care professional at a skilled nursing facility and I work with patients with a wide range of diagnoses: From CVAs, to amputees; from dementia patients, to elective knee/hip replacements; from cancer victims to congestive heart failure and everything in between. Everyday it’s something new. And sometimes there are those patients that seem to have it worse than the rest, but still don’t give up. Those patients that remind you why you work in this field in the first place. Meet Miriam, a left-sided CVA. Miriam is completely blind, she is fed through a tube in her stomach, and due to her stroke she’s had to completely relearn how to use the right side of her body. On top of that, Miriam is unable to speak, and is thus unable to tell anyone what she’s going through. I can’t even imagine the frustration of being able to fully form thoughts in your head, but not be able to relay them to anyone in anyway. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to learn to walk again, let alone how hard it must be to retrain your brain to remember that the right side of your body is still there. But Miriam’s there, trying, everyday. She’s making unbelievable breakthroughs, she’s starting to walk, talk, she’s surprising everyone, she’s smiling, and she’s reminding me to be thankful. Reminding me that I have an amazing life, and sometimes I take it for granted. I’m just happy I met her and happy I’ve been able to play a small role in helping her, because she’s helped me.